I am on a journey of self-improvement. To be at peace with myself, with my past, with my mistakes. I’m on a journey to let go. To move on, to become a better human being. To build a healthy relationship with myself. My need for self-improvement has been there for a long long time. I have temper issues, trust issues, insecurity issues, ego issues, and a lot lot more… I never thought much of it and just thought hey that’s who I am and that’s who I’ll always be. People can accept me or not. I do have good traits too but this is about why I needed to start this journey towards being a better me.
Although I have been fully aware of my problems I never felt the need until my whole life changed overnight and it was time for me to open my eyes and look at the bigger picture. I know I am making it sound dramatic and you’re wondering OMG what happened. It’s not that big for you but it was for me, To wake up and lose the love of your life, your best friend, your whole world…
These past two months have been insanely horrible for me. My entire life just changed overnight. What I was doing the day before was suddenly gone. My entire schedule and routine changed without my knowledge. It was terrifying!
Imagine waking up one day and realizing your whole life has just gone upside down and you cannot figure out why. When you find out why you can’t figure out what randomly caused it. It just makes its 100 times harder to fix your situation. For me, it was nerve wrecking, not only did my personal life in terms with my relationship changed but work changed. Usually when I go through rough patches work keeps me supper busy and I get to take my mind off it for a few hours a day but to my bad luck work had slowed down immensely too giving me enough time in my days to drown myself in misery and self-pity.
As I mentioned in the previous post me and Timi had come back from the most beautiful amazing vacation. We hadn’t had a fight in months. So everything that happened came to me as a shock and I really didn’t know how to deal with it. I tried everything but it was beyond my understanding to figure out what on earth was going on in her head because when you look at the logical part it never made any sense. I went through days of crying and not eating being depressing and spreading nothing but negativity around me. This made me become a total introvert. I stopped going out I stopped answering phone calls I just stopped doing everything. I would wake up in the morning and force myself to sleep a bit longer so that I didn’t need to be awake for so long. I would come into the office and sit at my desk and just stare into space. I would check my phone every few seconds to see if she missed me or if she wants to stop this, stay or leave. I honestly had no clue what direction my life was going to take me in. everything just came to a standstill. My whole life just came to a sudden stop.
It was the loneliest time. I knew her problems that she had with me but this came out of nowhere. I’ll admit I never bothered to change any flows I’ve had because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal and I just said I’ll try and work on it. Never did I think that out of the blue the girl who promised me forever would get up and say I’m no longer what she requires, I’m no longer the one she wants. She said she could see her life with someone else. And that just broke me but I never let my self physically break down. I’m very realistic; everything is black and white for me. And when she said these things to me all I could do was think about her words. How does someone go from begging you to get married to saying they don’t want you anymore and they don’t love you anymore. All of a sudden, no fight nothing. It made no sense to me. She stuck by her words but she never actually left me. She just kept me waiting and waiting. And I had enough.
After trying over and over again to get her back I just deiced to let it be and do me. Because when you believe in yourself others might start to believe in you. As sad as it sounds I did do me for her. To become what she wanted. Timi told me long ago that she would always accept the bad and fall in love with the good. But that changed. There was no more accepting the bad and I had to make changes. I know they say you shouldn’t change for anyone but my love for this girl is too much for me not to. To lose her will never be an option. People tell me you shouldn’t change who you are for someone; you need to be with someone who accepts you. Don’t let anyone control your life, but I was willing to give her full control. I made many mistakes in the past and those mistakes do not define me in any way but for some reason the only way she started seeing me was bad. Everything I ever did in our entire relationship was all that I was in her eyes. And yes that’s very very unfair because I did so much good for her. I loved her endlessly, I treated her like a queen but I guess no matter how great the good the bad always over powers it. Personally I don’t believe that and that’s not what happens in my head but majority of the people seem to let the bad take over. And it was like everything good had just disappeared..
She never said she would stay with me and she never said she would leave but I thought that if I do make changes she might reconsider it and if she didn’t and she left I was mentally preparing myself for that too because I couldn’t deal with living life the way I was anymore. I couldn’t keep living in a waiting room. My relationship wasn’t a real relationship; my gf was a gf by name but not in any other way. I hardly saw her I hardly spoke to her and she was out there living a new life with new friends, a new life I had no clue about and still honestly have no clue about. And I let myself fall and I couldn’t keep falling. If she was going to keep moving forward in her life it was time I did too.. but I was doing it for her and she was doing it for herself; living a life, slowly eliminating be from any part of it. I was slowly disappearing from her life. I had to do something. And I figured if I start to make self-improvements and if she did leave me I would still have me. A better me. And maybe one day she might see the changes, and regret ever leaving me. Don’t know but anyway it was time to start making changes to myself. That’s when my journey to self-improvement started. It was time…