Would you stay for love?

Again looking through the posts.

I kind of left it at I’m depressed my life is over because it was it really was. The truth behind everything that was going on was even worse than I thought but sometimes u have to forgive no matter how hard it is. I’m sure most of you don’t agree with that at all. But for me it was more about my life without her. 

After things like that happen normally you do not want that person anywhere near you. I just couldn’t do that. I hate so much hate but my love didn’t become less and that’s why I think I didn’t walk away. 

Instead we sat we talked we fought, we fought a lot until we both took time to decide what we want and we went with it. 

After everything that happened I don’t wonder where my life would be if i made a different decision. I think we are at a good place now better than we were before and a lot more content. I changed my life and she changed herself.

 Sometimes no matter how bad the situation is you still have more than one choice and if you choose to stay you should know that the past doesn’t go away, it may fade but it will always be there.. You make ur decision by asking yourself one thing: “Can I live with what happened for the rest of my life?”

You might say you can but in reality you can’t. I still struggle with what happened till today. It’s not as bad but I want my life with this one person only. The things won’t go away but I can push them away and live my life in the present for the future not live in the past and loose.

Just my thoughts .. Can’t sleep



YouTube update!

YouTube update!

So it’s clearly been a while since we used this blog like I said in the previous post. I was just looking at our last few posts before bed and realized how long it really has been. However, our YouTube is constantly updated every 2 or 3 weeks so make sure you are following it!

We have quite a few videos up since we posted the last one on here so I’ll post them up tomorrow!



Have you been wondering?

Anyone wondering what happened to us?

Especially after my last few posts.. then boom we vanished.

Shit happened, lots of shit happened…however after pulling through everything we are now ENGAGED!

Sometimes shit goes wrong in relationships, its up to you to decide what you want. are you willing to forgive? is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
For me it was, we went through a lot and a decision had to be made, Walk away? or stay and make it work?

Fight or give up..

And so after months of crap, tears and arguments we made a decision and here we are now better than ever.

Just thought I would give you a little update!



Not Yet

One day you will forget me
My name
How I look at u
My voice
How it felt when I touched u
My scent
My lips my kisses
Who I am and who I was to u..
But not yet…. I will not let that happen yet because I know that deep in ur heart u still want us to happen u still want us to work n ill do everything in my power to not let u forget me..
We’re only at the beginning of our love story..lets not stop writing it…

Only you to blame

For As long as i can remember everything I’ve ever done, good or bad, was always because of how much I love her
My possiviness my clingyness my obsessiveness was all only because I love her more than anything.. Unfortunately those are traits that are not exactly loved nor wanted by anyone… I know there’s an extent to everything but when ur so crazy in love everything becomes about them and sometimes it comes out so very wrong and then everything u knew just disappears..and your the only one to blame

Relationship needs

Relationships needs to be completely stress free: After stressful days at work or school you should be able to come home to someone who just gives you love and all you need to do is give them love. Having someone to come home to with no stress Keeps you sane, keeps u happy. They won’t stress you out or make you feel uncomfortable.
Don’t come home and rant at them and take out ur stress by fighting with them. Whatever happened away from them needs to be left outside the door before you enter the house. Spend time together love each other. Practicing love like this will only bring more happiness into your life. You will look forward to coming home rather than make excuses to stay at work later. By spending that quality time with ur other half you will be able to re light any dying flame. We all have stress full days but sometimes we need to just be with our love kick back and relax and not let anything put a strain on the relationship especially if it has nothing to do with the 2 of you.


I Struggled, I Learnt, I Changed [Part 1]

I am on a journey of self-improvement. To be at peace with myself, with my past, with my mistakes. I’m on a journey to let go. To move on, to become a better human being. To build a healthy relationship with myself. My need for self-improvement has been there for a long long time. I have temper issues, trust issues, insecurity issues, ego issues, and a lot lot more… I never thought much of it and just thought hey that’s who I am and that’s who I’ll always be. People can accept me or not. I do have good traits too but this is about why I needed to start this journey towards being a better me.

Although I have been fully aware of my problems I never felt the need until my whole life changed overnight and it was time for me to open my eyes and look at the bigger picture. I know I am making it sound dramatic and you’re wondering OMG what happened. It’s not that big for you but it was for me, To wake up and lose the love of your life, your best friend, your whole world…

These past two months have been insanely horrible for me. My entire life just changed overnight. What I was doing the day before was suddenly gone. My entire schedule and routine changed without my knowledge. It was terrifying!

Imagine waking up one day and realizing your whole life has just gone upside down and you cannot figure out why. When you find out why you can’t figure out what randomly caused it. It just makes its 100 times harder to fix your situation. For me, it was nerve wrecking, not only did my personal life in terms with my relationship changed but work changed. Usually when I go through rough patches work keeps me supper busy and I get to take my mind off it for a few hours a day but to my bad luck work had slowed down immensely too giving me enough time in my days to drown myself in misery and self-pity.

As I mentioned in the previous post me and Timi had come back from the most beautiful amazing vacation. We hadn’t had a fight in months. So everything that happened came to me as a shock and I really didn’t know how to deal with it. I tried everything but it was beyond my understanding to figure out what on earth was going on in her head because when you look at the logical part it never made any sense. I went through days of crying and not eating being depressing and spreading nothing but negativity around me. This made me become a total introvert. I stopped going out I stopped answering phone calls I just stopped doing everything. I would wake up in the morning and force myself to sleep a bit longer so that I didn’t need to be awake for so long. I would come into the office and sit at my desk and just stare into space. I would check my phone every few seconds to see if she missed me or if she wants to stop this, stay or leave. I honestly had no clue what direction my life was going to take me in. everything just came to a standstill. My whole life just came to a sudden stop.

It was the loneliest time. I knew her problems that she had with me but this came out of nowhere. I’ll admit I never bothered to change any flows I’ve had because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal and I just said I’ll try and work on it. Never did I think that out of the blue the girl who promised me forever would get up and say I’m no longer what she requires, I’m no longer the one she wants. She said she could see her life with someone else. And that just broke me but I never let my self physically break down. I’m very realistic; everything is black and white for me. And when she said these things to me all I could do was think about her words. How does someone go from begging you to get married to saying they don’t want you anymore and they don’t love you anymore. All of a sudden, no fight nothing. It made no sense to me. She stuck by her words but she never actually left me. She just kept me waiting and waiting. And I had enough.

After trying over and over again to get her back I just deiced to let it be and do me. Because when you believe in yourself others might start to believe in you. As sad as it sounds I did do me for her. To become what she wanted. Timi told me long ago that she would always accept the bad and fall in love with the good. But that changed. There was no more accepting the bad and I had to make changes. I know they say you shouldn’t change for anyone but my love for this girl is too much for me not to. To lose her will never be an option. People tell me you shouldn’t change who you are for someone; you need to be with someone who accepts you. Don’t let anyone control your life, but I was willing to give her full control. I made many mistakes in the past and those mistakes do not define me in any way but for some reason the only way she started seeing me was bad. Everything I ever did in our entire relationship was all that I was in her eyes. And yes that’s very very unfair because I did so much good for her. I loved her endlessly, I treated her like a queen but I guess no matter how great the good the bad always over powers it. Personally I don’t believe that and that’s not what happens in my head but majority of the people seem to let the bad take over. And it was like everything good had just disappeared..

She never said she would stay with me and she never said she would leave but I thought that if I do make changes she might reconsider it and if she didn’t and she left I was mentally preparing myself for that too because I couldn’t deal with living life the way I was anymore. I couldn’t keep living in a waiting room. My relationship wasn’t a real relationship; my gf was a gf by name but not in any other way. I hardly saw her I hardly spoke to her and she was out there living a new life with new friends, a new life I had no clue about and still honestly have no clue about. And I let myself fall and I couldn’t keep falling. If she was going to keep moving forward in her life it was time I did too.. but I was doing it for her and she was doing it for herself; living a life, slowly eliminating be from any part of it. I was slowly disappearing from her life.  I had to do something. And I figured if I start to make self-improvements and if she did leave me I would still have me. A better me. And maybe one day she might see the changes, and regret ever leaving me. Don’t know but anyway it was time to start making changes to myself. That’s when my journey to self-improvement started. It was time…

If you want to stay just stay..if you want to go just go..

My gf has been doing this break shit with me out of nowhere for the past 38 days! it is a total load of bullshit!

me and timi just got back from an amazing holiday in the Maldives..we literally did everything a couple would do on their honeymoon. before we went on the holiday our relationship was really good, the only bad thing was my work load but thats obvious when your trying to get everything done before you go on vacation so you don’t have to think of work. anyway, so we go on this holiday everything is perfect. we come back and right after that i had to travel 3 times for work only coming home for 4 to 5 days in between. somehow my travels managed to make my gf realize she’s not sure if she wants to be with me or not.
while i was away she hardly spoke to me and whenever i came back in between she didn’t want to see me. i left with a clear mind thinking we just had the best holiday i really did not expect this from her.
my question is when everything is going perfectly perfect and you leave for a little bit how does your partner forget all the good times with you and starts remembering our issues from the past? is someone putting shit in her head? did she cheat and she’s guilty? every possible thing has gone through my mind.
I mean if we were going through a bad time in the moment and she did that i would understand but we have been doing more than amazing.
yes we both made many mistakes in the past maybe be more than her but i was under the assumption that it was behind us and that was the purpose of having that amazing holiday.

I think its because i travelled everything when down hill but that doest mean its ok. does it mean every time we r away from each other she is going to question us? how can someone live with that?

now its been over a month this shit has been going on and no breaks do not bring people closer. it just doesn’t!
If you are willing to make it work it might work but both people have to try hard enough. i have been working my ass off because i know the issues she has with me and I’m changing myself for her. but i don’t see the same effort from her side. its really making me question everything. why would someone say they want to spend forever with you but not even try hard enough to forget whatever they want to forget.
as far as i see it we all have the power to take control of our own thoughts. we have the power to let the positive over power the negative and vise versa. it all depends on how bad you want it.

she has made many mistakes and i used to always bring it up and she told me let it go. and I’ve learnt how to so why can’t she tame her mind to do the same?
honestly the way i see it this break isn’t about us because if it was n she truly wanted us to work she would be trying it wouldn’t tae 38 days! i see it as this being way for her to get freedom because instead of exercising her mind she has made a group of new friends that i don’t even know. she spends all day with them she doesn’t see me she hardly talks to me and when she does its usually full of insults and bringing up the past that i thought was already well behind us. she isn’t trying at all. and to top it all off i hear she’s dating a guy she’s hanging out with but she denies it. how am i supposed to believe her when she’s been sneaking around and lying to me? whens he’s not even asking the guy to apologize to me or her for making her look trashy? she’s not even bothered to speak to him and tell him anything about what he claims. seems like its true doesn’t it? seems like she’s really with someone else doesn’t it? and this isn’t the first time she’s lied and pushed me away like this and the last time it was about her freedom.

if someone doesn’t want to commit to a relationship why do you keep your partner waiting in hope while your out doing whatever you want? its not fair. you want to go go! you are dating someone else leave me and enjoy with him. you want your freedom take it and have your life without me. don’t keep me on the side lines lying about everything and making false promises. don’t tell me your trying when theres no proof of it.
a break doesn’t go on for this long. I’ve managed to already make plenty of changes to my life for her in a weeks time. it doesn’t take 38 days to clear your head especially when things have been going more than perfect.
i will never understand what she’s doing and why she’s doing it. i would love to make some sense of it. but for now I’m just waiting, hoping not even knowing if she’s actually really going to be with me or not.

Breaks are stupid you either choose to stay and make it work or you leave for good! its simple!


My Dog Chubby Passed away last week..

it was shocking because he was so young, he was only 4 years old. He was a happy happy hyper dog who never did any harm to anyone.

he was a dog who got excited whenever you walked into the house.

he was a good dog with bad habits but he was a good dog.

We miss him so much.. we never got to get emotionally connected fully because he was a dog who loved to play but hated being loved..

Heres a little video for him.

Miss you Chubby, We love you!

Anger and Insecurities

So if you are following us on our social media you will know that Timi is back home… FOR GOOD!

God its amazing to have her home. Long distance really wasn’t for us at all. We tried it but we failed miserably, we are both to blame for that but i don’t want to get into all the bad stuff that happened. I want to focus not the good because that girl came back home for me and I am so lucky. It might be selfish of me to have pressured her into it but it let it be her decision. If she didn’t want to I wouldn’t have forced her but i don’t know how much longer we would have lasted. But now she’s here and were lasting. She made a big sacrifice for me and I’m thankful for it, very very very grateful.

Unfortunately though even though she’s back I’m still not able to get over my insecurities but given the amount of things we had been though with long distance i think its ok, it will take some time. only problem here is it makes me lash out, i get angry and sometimes it gets ugly. i don’t mean for it to but these thoughts come into my head i start creating things in my mind because of the past and then i snap. I have always had anger issues ever since i was younger but i have learnt to get it in control but sometimes i can’t control it and thats whats bad.

Timi came here for me so she asked me to go see a therapist for my anger so i did but it turned out that wasn’t for me. I already know what to do and how I can stay cool and calm myself but i don’t practice it like i should. I need to and i will. for me Working out and having a fixed routine is what keeps me calm, i had that before she came but once she came we just wanted to be stuck to each other as much as possible and i fell out of my routine and it was ok to begin with but in the past 2 weeks i feel my temper coming on. It has come, it comes and goes and sometimes it leads to big fights and other times small fights. And its all because of my insecurities. i have reason fro all my insecurities, Timi agrees too but i just want it to go.

Insecurities and a bad temper really doesn’t work well in a relationship. it can blow up and it has a few times. She doesn’t blame me for being insecure, she knows i never was until the long distance and she understands it will take time but i need to get my anger in control. So I’m trying to work towards getting back into my routine and she will support me. I really hope it works. I am also reading a book on anger management so hopefully that will help me too.

We fight, we bicker and i told her if I stop bickering and fighting thats the day she will know I’m not in love with her anymore. So that will never stop. For my relationship with tiki, I’m obsessed with her, i don’t know if its good or bad, maybe its both but i am obsessed and that too is something that makes us fight sometimes because like they say “Desire is the root of our anger” and my obsession with her and us as a couple tends to be overwhelming maybe and i react badly to simple situations that can be solved in a simple way. But i think I’m too passionate and sometimes when that leads to anger it can be expressed in a bad way which is usually the case with me. I know i have a lot of improvements i need to make in myself and i am going to.

I don’t want her ever thinking she made a bad decision coming back home. She did something huge for me, i owe it to her to give her everything, everything great.

So fingers crossed i can get my shit together and try to eliminate my anger and insecurities once and for all.